Sam’s Struggles: Survey Says I’m Not Stressed; I don’t Believe It


Will Amos

There’s just no way these results are true.

Sam Turnbaugh, Reporter

I have a lot of faith in rationalism, the scientific method, and all that good stuff. And make no mistake there’s a lot of really smart people in the field of Psychology for sure. But when you start telling me that I’m less prone to stress than the people around me, I’m going to have to start asking some questions.

We keep taking these different surveys in Abnormal Psych (great class by the way, really chill atmosphere, I appreciate that) about stress. Responses to stress, stress levels, susceptibility, that sort of thing. Somehow I keep coming out below the average, way below the average.

Guys, I’m not looking for pity points here or anything like that, I’m just having a really hard time believing that I could possibly be more relaxed than the rest of you. I mean really, I’ve gotta be one of the least relaxed people I know. I must’ve been the poster child of underclassman social anxiety, frankly it’s taken me this long just to become a semi-functional person.

Come on, I still get nervous just talking to cashiers at checkout counters. A while back the dude at Pei Wei said “Enjoy your meal,” but then instead of saying thanks I said “You too,” but that doesn’t make any sense because he works there and now I just don’t want to go back. I remember walking into homeroom on the first day of ninth grade, terrifying, simply terrifying. Somebody said hi to me and I just mumbled something back and then tripped on my way to my desk and I just kind of tried to hide after that.

School? Do you know how much trouble it is to get through Chinese with a B? I’m basically illiterate! Forget the college stuff. Deadlines are behind us, no sense worrying about it now. But politics? Gosh I wish I knew what my blood pressure does whenever I look over the headlines. I’m losing sleep! My health is probably at risk!

Now I have to be fair; this is definitely the most laid-back I’ve been in my entire time at Hereford. But is that really saying much? I mean I was really a wreck before, so I think that any degree of “relaxation” here needs to be considered in context.

But here’s a real cause for concern: if I’m a mess and I’m scoring so low, what’s up with the rest of you people? People are scoring two or three times higher on these surveys than I am. What’s going on there? Seriously, go see a doctor, you’re going to wind up with a stomach ulcer.